At times, evil thoughts

by admin on 27 April 2010

in Emotional,Personal

Yesterday, suddenly, my father’s right side became so weak he could not stand. His speech slurred. It reminded me of when I admitted him to hospital back in October when I thought he was having a stroke.

My thoughts were in contrast to what I should have been feeling. I should have been in great concern, but instead I was annoyed – annoyed that I would have to spend the rest of the day in the hospital. My thoughts about this being “it” were borderline hopeful. But I think I knew he would be okay.

He must have asked me the same questions a dozen times, as did every nurse and doctor.

I came home at about 1 AM after about 9 hours by his side. My wife was up and we spoke and I realized that I did not speak hushed while near the room where he had been sleeping for the last 6 months. In the morning I felt free to walk around my home partly disrobed. For some reason there was less tension between my toddlers and me. It was our home once more … at least for a couple of hours.

Now I’m by his bedside again and I will be taking him back home today.

We are so tired.

  • anonymous

    years later I wake up in the middle of the night traumatized from witnessing my mother in law's passing. It must be very difficult for your wife to live this every day. I was honored to be there to help my mother in law and loved her dearly, but the experience left me not wanting to ever set food in that house again. I am not sure if it all went on in my home if I could deal with living there. In retrospect I think an in patient hospice might have been a better choice. Living with “death” on a daily basis like your family is doing is not the healthiest thing for those who will go on living. I know I am a complete stranger to you but I hope you will consider the idea. If your father is not living with you, then you can know people are caring for him when you are not there and you can visit with him but then leave. At least you have the escape time when you go to work. Your wife it sounds is spending more time there. I think you are right to be concerned for your relationship, and for your wife. My husband and I grew closer through his Mom's passing but it could have easily gone the other way. It is too much stress having this in your home. That is just my personal opinion from my experience but maybe see what other options might be out there to move this scenario out of your home

  • http://todayicried.com admin

    It took me a while to write back. Exactly what you stated in your comment is the thought process that has been running through my head. I appreciate you taking the time to write and sharing your experience.

    My picture of inpatient hospice was a cross between a nursing home and a hospital. But in NYC, all I'm finding is hospitals, like Calvary. I feel he's too far gone to go into a standard nursing home facility and Calvary tells me he's not gone far enough for them to accept him. Meanwhile his brain cancer's growth has surprisingly plateaued which means I just don't know what to do with him. I don't know how to be fairer to my wife, either.

    Wow, thank you for writing. I really needed your words even if I've come up with no solutions yet.

  • BKJ

    I certainly know how you feel.  

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