Today I Cried

The last time I cried was during lockdown, in the thick of it a month or so into it I believe. I myself have never felt anxiety before, until lockdown and I was doing well to contain it to myself. But a combination of not seeing my friends, dad, girlfriend or even being allowed outside properly was very quickly eating away at me. To make it worse I hated working at home, I didn't particularly enjoy my job but not having that work/home life seperation made it hell for me.

Then something happened I didn't expect at all my girlfriend broke up with me, it was very out of the blue and threw me hard. I don't think she realised that she was holding me together... I don't think I realised either until after. It felt like the elastic band holding things together had snapped inside and everything was now free and running around my head at 1000 miles per hour. I spent several nights awake getting two hours sleep at best and ended up using a lot of holiday at work, so I didn't have to deal with that as well.

But yes I remember the last time I cried I have no idea what day it was, as you did with lockdown but I was in my room the day after I had actually cried while on a video call to my manager (a moment I hated so much) but she was very understanding and gave me time off. So I just remember thinking about everything, not enjoying work, hating being trapped, I hadn't seen my friends in weeks, concerned that my dad was alright (as he lives alone) and on top of that I had become single.

It just came out and didn't stop for a while, I put on music on so my sister couldn't hear in fear of seeming weak. After this happened I still felt anxious but I also felt a weight off my shoulders instead of feeling upset, that 2-3 minutes I spent crying was almost like a detox... I haven't cried since and have changed jobs to get me out of the house so I feel less anxious with the feeling of being trapped.

However the main thing I have done that has kept the peace with me is write. When I say write I don't mean a story but a journal... I wrote about how I felt during lockdown, how the break up affected me and how changing jobs has helped me feel more sane again. If I start feeling anxious, upset, angry or any of those negative emotions I write down how I feel and it's like emptying the trash can in my brain.

After a while of writing these feelings down I noticed the positive effects it was having on me. It was giving me more clarity with my own life, where I was going wrong and the person I want to be. I thought to myself if it can help me; then maybe it could help other men struggling in the world right now. I know that talking to people about these actual feelings is very overwhelming and daunting so having somewhere to write anonymously and vent about how you feel may help you as much as it helped me. I hope it also shows other people reading this that it may be small things (a sad moment on TV etc.) or something big that's happened in your life (losing a family member etc.) that its acceptable to cry at these moments regardless of what it was that made you feel that way and you shouldn't feel weaker or ashamed of it.


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