Today I Cried 02

The last time i cried:

I last cried after an unexpected grilling from my boss. One Monday morning after lockdown I was at work, collecting some bits for the day. Still being under the veil of my training period, and in all honesty, not really being trained properly from the get go, I still lack quite a bit confidence in my field so I ask a lot of questions. So i'm asking my boss about parts and materials required for the day with no indication that i'm about to receive a hefty roasting, and he calls me into his office where he proceeds to shit on pretty much everything i do.. “You didn't include a parts list in your estimate info”(it was on a second email), “you don't sort out your paperwork quick enough”(i do it after each job like i've been asked to now), “you don't tell me when you've finished a job so i have no idea what's been done” (despite me filling said paperwork out) etc. Now i've never really been one for confrontation but at the same time i wasn't going to be accused of shit that isn't true, so i timidly answered each point back giving my explanation. Perhaps he noticed me shaking slightly or could sense from my voice that I wasn't particularly comfortable in the situation and he let up, and sent me on my way.

Although I don't do well with confrontation, this is what made me cry. For my job I do a lot of driving around, and due to the nature of my work I'm quite often alone. So i'm driving to the job and thinking about how uncalled the whole ordeal was, and how much i hate my job, and how im tied down to the job since my boss is paying for my training, and how, since i don't really get the level of training i should be getting, nobody is going to hire me due to lack of experience, and im cycling. I don't know if it's just me, but driving around on your own day in, day out is the perfect condition for one thing….. Self destruct. So here I am thinking about how I'm not good enough to do my job and how I've wasted two years of training, and that I'm probably gonna have to scrap it and start another career change, and next thing I know I'm crying. 

I didn't cry for long, but for someone who doesn't cry often it was long enough. Luckily, I have no issue with venting to people, so after a few messages to some friends about everything, I’d calmed down and could see that I was overreacting a fair bit and I just need to believe in myself. Now, it's not always as easy to just “talk it out” with people, but i honestly can say that even if you don't think you should talk to someone when you’re in a bad headspace, atleast give it a go… it's not for everyone but by all means it’s quite good to get a second opinion with a different perspective, and if not that, it's nice to know that people care enough to take the time to help. You’re not alone, and it's okay to ask for help.


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